RIP Kitty

...and in the middle of this craziness and tragedy there was a quiet island where I was sitting and just taking care of things, just keeping us afloat, or watching something, and Kitty was always on my cheek; perched precariously on my bra strap, leaning in to nip my lip, cuddling into my cheek, asking for a scratch....she was like a rock, that bird...stubborn, nippy, smart, chatty, loving...she loved me...heaven knows, I loved her.



The tragedy of this is that she was my very best friend for the last few years, and I could lose just about any of them sadly, but losing her is just devastating. She can't be replaced...she was just such an individual...and its so fucking quiet here now.
She called me Wooody...and Sweetheart, and she'd say Come Here, and Hello Sweetheart.
The night before she was hanging on to the top of her house and flapping wildly, like she was in the jungle. I was telling her that it was beautiful, beautiful flapping....she was so smart...She loved to play bird in a box, where she would roll around in her cardboard box with toys and bits of the box that she would chew off until there was nothing left....she loved the swing over the sink with the bell in the middle, and would swing wildly in the morning and attack the bell, screaming....I would go to the sink and she would hang upside down and put her face in mine and say Hi Wooody....


If I tried to put her in her house she would hold my finger and not let go, rolling onto her back on the flip down door and whipping her head up to bite me! I would tell her that I had to go and let the chickens out and she would then walk in and wait for me. And she loved to stay on her perch in the shower after I went downstairs...she liked to nap up there by the steamy tile! She would call me after a while and I would go and get her...If I tried to get her too soon she would bite me...not hard...just enough to let me know that she wasn't ready to step up. If I told her I had to get the chickens, she would know that I had to go, and step up really nicely. She seemed to understand that anything about the chickens happened outside, but she knew them from them hanging around in the window of the office.



What happened? I made the mistake that was my worst fear, and everything aligned wrong...and it was a fatal error for her. The details matter little; thats my own cross to carry and I will be raking over those coals for the rest of my life....I buried her out back under a new azalea that Ive been meaning to put in....what else is there to say?

At this point, it seems pretty hard to form these kinds of attachments, only to lose them. And the worst thing is that life is about this very thing; impermanence. Regardless of how careful you are or how hard you try to control it, death sneaks in more and more as time goes on...and we all just want to know the details. I am too sensitive about those who are close to me, animal or human...so, what can I say?



She lived a great, active, life....it was way too short...and I am really gonna miss her. We were just looking at falconry supplies because I was gonna let her fly outside. She was growing her wings in and practicing...
I don't know how I go on in this quiet cave except to put one foot in front of the other and move past this....

It seems silly that an animal can become so important like that...she was supposed to outlive me. I couldn't miss her more if she had been a person...Its not the same thing, but it is at the same time....
So long Kitty...if there is a heaven, I know you're there.